1up funny quotes

[RedRumOnE]

Lancer[1up] : That means i wont be last pick anymore

Lol, funny how that works.

[tR|-=[Z!PT!E]=-]

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?" Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!" Stall: "So what are you up to?" Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here." Stall: "Can I come over?" Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!" Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Whahahahahahaha! - to freakin funny! nice one sniper!

[tR|-=[Z!PT!E]=-]

well i laughed so darn hard @sniper's joke i had to find one just as funny.... nearly! 

Poor Man -

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Cheerz! - uber$lick

[tR|-=[Z!PT!E]=-]

ok, ok, last one - cause it's even funnier! 

Girls night out -

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Cheerz! - uber$lick

[Perdition[1up]]

hahaha those two were funny slick!

[Lancers09]

funny pick up lines.

are you from africa?
why?
CUs A fricken LOVE YOU

[Gautch]

Haiiii guys.  Thought I'd revive this.

Zod & Gautch @ Zombie Bomb:
Zod: Why do these freaking pingers keep connecting to the Zombie Servers?!
Gautch: They all connect from France, the Middle East, and South America...
Zod: How the **** do you even get computers in Africa?
Gautch: lolwut?

[Replay]

Haha, zod raging made me lol.

[G.U.N]

"This one's got your name on it."
- shoots & misses -
"Damn...missed, good thing this one has your name on it."
- shoot & misses again -
"Ok I'm pretty sure this one ha- what is your name anyway?"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[G.U.N]

Helicopter Gunship Pilot: "The little specs down there would be the enemy."

Soldier: "Have we received first light...I mean orders?"

Troop Transport Driver: "Do they have their heads out the windows and their tongues hanging out yet?"